ALS to John Henry Hedley about his alcoholic father and "martyr" mother's plight
ALS to John Henry Hedley about his alcoholic father and "martyr" mother's plight
ALS to John Henry Hedley about his alcoholic father and "martyr" mother's plight
ALS to John Henry Hedley about his alcoholic father and "martyr" mother's plight
ALS to John Henry Hedley about his alcoholic father and "martyr" mother's plight
ALS to John Henry Hedley about his alcoholic father and "martyr" mother's plight
[alcoholism, family dynamics]

ALS to John Henry Hedley about his alcoholic father and "martyr" mother's plight


New Hartford, NY: [correspondence], 1846.

4-page letter dated January 10, 1846. Densely composed, including a few lines of cross writing; on 8 x 10” letter paper. Folded and sealed with wax, postmarked from New Hartford, NY.

A Staten Island woman separated from her “inebriate” husband writes to her son about his father’s stated intentions to improve (or so he says in his letters). She is in financial and moral limbo, compelled by circumstance to take the drunkard husband back as her “lawful protector,” but doubts “what reliance I can place in this fancied reformation.” She makes a performance of Christian compassion: “Try and exercise forbearance and charity towards your Father. Consider his deplorable condition, and recollect he has no friends, no money. Christ came to bring sinners to repentance - we must have patience with him.”

But her anger is also plain. “I considered it the most awful martyrdom, to be the wife of an Inebriate.” She wishes to return to Staten Island, but laments she might no longer be able to afford her old neighborhood. Though she holds out hope she may know a comfortable life again, her letter plots how to manage her situation in the meantime. She is reluctant to sell off possessions (“Do not part with the church cushion or benches”), but acknowledges she may need to earn for herseld. Initially suggesting she could sell their piano, she reconsiders, “My piano may assist me in gaining a livelihood, and my needle likewise.” 

A study in mother-son dynamics, and the "overbearing" archetype, she redirects her attention to her son’s choices. Hedley was around twenty-four years old and in the early stages of his legal career. Caught in the stage between being her child and relying on him for support, his mother petitions for his advice while liberally doling out her own opinions on how he should manage his money. She criticizes his generosity with others, accusing him of living beyond his means and cautioning against incurring higher expenses (“You speak of taking an office in the Quarantine! Count the cost! do not be too fast - your expenses are now pretty heavy - do not let the rent exceed the business. I think I have heard you say, the office of Magistrate did not yield $25. If that is the case, you will be compelled to curtail your expenses somewhere. I hope you will succeed and not get crippled again.”)

John Hedley (1822-1883) became a very successful lawyer and served as Richmond County District Attorney from 1866-1870. His mother is documented as living with him as of the 1855 NY State Census, though earlier records could not be located and it seems likely the arrangement would have been established not too long after this letter.

The inebriate in question was Henry C. Headley, Esq. John Hedley’s NY Times obituary named his father, “one of the most noted practitioners at the Bar of this City 30 years ago.” But, the only record found of the elder Headley is an account in the NY Daily Herald about him being tried for assault and battery in January 1845—perhaps the instigating event of the family’s separation.

 

 

FULL TRANSCRIPTION (added emphasis in bold)

My dear John Henry, 

I received your last on Wednesday, but deferred answering it until I should hear from your Father. I received one from him the day following, in which he gives an account of his extreme suffering, debility and loneliness and seems to speak as though you had neglected him. I can make a very great allowance for him and his complainings, his situation and circumstances are deplorable indeed. We can only know what his feelings are by placing ourselves in his situation. God only knows whether these severe afflictions will have a beneficial tendency or not, time can only determine. If my presence will in the least contribute to so important and desirable a result, I am willing to sacrifice comfort, ease, luxury, and above all the society of my dear Son, the severest of all, to effect if possible a change. I do not know what course to pursue, but as he is my lawful protector, I am willing he should make an effort to support me, and relieve you from the incumbrance, that you may recover from your difficulties and embarrassments. Oh, what a hard task it is to 'be resign'd when ills betide, patient when favors are denied', so in this case, to give up everything upon an uncertainty. We cannot at present return to Beach Street; if you get the office of Magistrate, you must be in the town where you are, and if your Father does business anywhere, I believe there is always more to be done at the North side, altho' between this and spring, we will be better able to judge, whether I shall be warranted in going there; for that reason I thought it better to board a month or two, provided I should conclude to go, that I might ascertain what reliance I can place in this fancied reformation. There is now 3-1/2 months, according to appointment, before I am to return, and I scarcely pray and trust that God will make the path of duty plain, that I may walk in it. How or what we shall do in the Spring it is almost impossible to say - for this reason, upon second consideration, I think I will not part with my Piano, unless I can get $125 or $150, and then not take it to the city to run any risk if it can be sold there where it is...you can inform me if you have an offer; but upon no account, part with it without letting me know - perhaps it may not be necessary. I can but part with it in a great emergency. If you can suggest any plan of arrangement: do so, and I can give you my opinion, you may possibly give me some useful hints, to assist me in my future arrangements, if you see any thing, which I cannot foresee, you need not withold your advice, and still hope on, with me, that all things work together for good, to them who love and trust in God.  ‘Brought safely by his hand thus far, Why wilt thou now give place to fear?’

The letters I wrote, previous to the last, to your Father, contained a recitation of the same truths contained in my former letters to him. He complained of their severity, but in my last, I assured him I did not detract one word. I considered it the most awful martyrdom, to be the wife of an Inebriate, and that I could not cry Peace, peace, when there is no peace. Two first and two last were long, and very much to the purpose. There is this one thing; I believe boarding and rents are cheaper at the North part of the Island, but I dislike the place very much, and I did resolve I never would leave the Quarantine. It to me will be a severe punishment, to be compelled to remove my furniture again, and that all the way to Port Richmond, altho' I see no prospect of being on the Island at all, if I do not resort to this expedient - better this, than to be compelled to remain this distance from you. I did decide in my own mind, when we removed to Beach Street, it was my last remove, until I should be carried to my final resting place, but the Almighty has decreed it otherwise. How gladly would I return to the house on Swan Street, where we had so many happy days, and so many blessings showered down upon us. We will not part with anything for the present. Your Father's clothes is all that troubles me as to wants - if he can supply them, I will endeavour to help myself. My piano may assist me in gaining a livelihood, and my needle likewise.

Provided these plans are brought to bear, you could remain probably where you are for the present at least, we cannot tell what a day, much less some weeks or months may bring forth. Do not part with the church cushion or benches, for if you take a seat elsewhere in the church, you can have them carried to Mrs. Hitchcocks until I return, for if I am compelled to go elsewhere, I would gladly have them. Something may transpire, which will enable us to keep together.  Your Father says in his letter, John Henry has probably told you of Mr. Van Duzen &c, and of the Mr. Madranna & others, and also gives some hint of a difficulty between Frank Hagadora and his Father, but as I have heard nothing from you of either of these parties, I wish you would explain it.  I think Mrs. Hitchcock fared well with her presents, Prunes 7/.  Book 5$, children and servants, did you not go much beyond your means? I think you have been very liberal. You speak of taking an office in the Quarantine! Count the cost! do not be too fast - your expenses are now pretty heavy - do not let the rent exceed the business. I think I have heard you say, the office of Magistrate did not yield $25. If that is the case, you will be compelled to curtail your expenses somewhere. I hope you will succeed and not get crippled again. You know the Maxim, 'Let well alone'. I sincerely deplore my error in judgment when we were certainly doing well in Swan Street, that I did not prevail with you to remain there. We never lived so quietly nor so comfortably in our lives - for my part, I can say in all my married life. I had not two such happy years, and I do not know that I shall ever have so many comforts again. To you my dearest son, did I owe many of those comforts, by the blessing of God. If the almighty will forgive the past, and again take us under his special care and keeping, I for my part, will endeavour more faithfully to serve him, in righteousness and true holiness, through the assistance and mediation of his most blessed son, Jesus Christ. It if is the will of God, I should accompany your Father, the way will be made plain. I wait his Divine direction and guidance. Your uncle is gaining very fast almost well.

This letter must be confidential. Try and exercise forbearance and charity towards your Father. Consider his deplorable condition, and recollect he has no friends, no money. Christ came to bring sinners to repentance - we must have patience with him.

A bad fire yesterday. One of the factories, cost $20,000, was burnt to the ground, about 2 miles from here. 

Give me Margaret street and number, Stephen wants to send her a paper occasionally or a Periodical. All join me in love to you - and all, remaining as ever your affectionate Mother.